Embracing My Submission Read online

  “No, I won’t. Because after tonight, I refuse to participate in his little game. He can kiss my ass. Tonight is it. After that, I’m done. Either he opens the fucking door and talks to me like a man or it’s over.”

  Without a word, she nodded as her lips pressed together in a firm, unhappy line.

  Repeating the same steps as the night before, I stood alone outside Mika’s door. I brought my hand up to knock then lowered my arm. Looking up at the camera, I simply waited. Once again, I was ignored.

  Incensed that I’d allowed myself to repeat the same humiliating nightmare of the previous night, I began pounding on the door. Fuck knocking civilly. I’d lost all patience with civility. He’d open the damn thing up even if I had to knock it down.

  Possessed with a rage I never knew existed inside me and screaming at the top of my lungs, I pounded on the door. Rage and humiliation consumed me. The only cognizant thought in my brain was that I was being played by the Alpha Dom inside. No doubt the man was laughing his ass off seeing what he’d reduced me to. And no doubt, he was loving every fucking minute of it.

  “Open the door you motherfucking bastard!” I pounded and kicked like a woman possessed.

  Moments later, the door behind me opened. Drake stepped into the foyer with James right behind him.

  “Drake,” I sobbed. “Make him open the goddamn door.”

  The look in Drake’s eyes was cold and lifeless. It was as if he were looking through me and not at me.

  “Drake?” I screamed as tears streamed down my cheeks.

  “Hands behind your back,” Drake commanded in a calm and far too detached voice.

  “No,” I cried as I stepped away from him. “I don’t want to play his goddamn game!”

  “Julianna,” he warned as he took a step toward me. “Put your hands behind your back, now!”

  “Why, Drake? I’m not a submissive anymore. I’m nothing. I’m just a fucked-up, confused woman. Why am I even here? Why are you doing this to me? Why is he doing this to me? Please, just let me go home. I swear I won’t come back. I swear I’ll just go away. Nobody will ever see me again.” Tears streamed down my face.

  “Hands. Behind. Your. Back.” His deep voice reverberated in the small alcove.

  “Why are you doing this to me?” I sobbed as James stepped behind me and with a firm tug pulled my wrists behind my back. “Drake! Please! Just let me go home.”

  Drake also moved behind me and a pair of cold metal cuffs snapped around my wrists.

  “He isn’t the God you all think he is. You know that, right? You don’t have to do this shi—” My hateful tone was stilled when a big red ball gag was shoved into my mouth and the leather straps fastened behind my head. My eyes flew open wide in fear as I turned and issued a pleading look at Drake. For one brief second, I saw a flicker of regret in his eyes. Just as quickly, it vanished as he heaved a heavy sigh.

  “You need to start remembering what’s inside you, Emerald,” he whispered into my ear then turned and left the vestibule. James stood with his arms crossed over his massive chest, watching me with a slack, unreadable expression.

  I wanted to sob even more, but I knew if I lost control, my nose would run. With my hands restrained behind my back, I wouldn’t be able to wipe the mucus from my face. Flopping to my side, I curled into a tight ball on the floor. It was then that I spied a pillow and blanket lying in the corner. There was a book propped up on top of the pile. It was a copy of The Wizard of Oz.

  A muffled growl tore from behind the ball gag as I unleashed a string of obscenities in my mind. Obstinately ignoring the comfort provided me, I remained in the awkward semi-inverted fetal ball on the floor.

  A furtive glance at James confirmed my suspicions. He wasn’t there to help me, he was there as a safety precaution. He was watching over me, ensuring the cuffs didn’t cut off my blood flow or that I didn’t choke on the ball gag. Casting him the most pathetic look I could muster, James arched his brows.

  “Dream on. You don’t honestly think I’ll fall for that pathetic look, do you? You know me better than that, girl.” James chuckled with a sharp tone of annoyance.

  Great. James just had to choose that moment to be in Dom mode. He couldn’t be in his submissive role and grant mercy on a fellow sub. No. Of course not. Huffing a loud exasperated snort from my nose, I closed my eyes and waited for him to remove the cuffs and gag. I wondered how long I’d have to remain nearly hog-tied and unable to speak. Within a few minutes, I drifted off to sleep, and this time Vanessa’s ghost did not pay me a visit.

  In the wee hours of the morning, Sammie woke me once again. I was surprised to find the gag and cuffs had been removed, and James was nowhere in sight. Of course Mika’s door still remained closed nice and tight, just as I’d expected. The rat bastard.

  The drive back home was quiet and unnerving. Sammie obviously wasn’t happy about having to haul Mika’s excess baggage around every night.

  “And what did you learn tonight?” Sammie asked as she yawned, breaking the awkward silence.

  “I don’t know,” I mumbled. “What am I supposed to be learning, Sammie?” Feeling dejected and confused, I rolled my stiff shoulders and rubbed my aching jaw.

  “That’s what you’re there to figure out. It’s something only you can determine. I can tell you one thing. The answer is unique for everyone. There’s no right or wrong lesson.”

  “But you know the crux of what I’m supposed to learn from all this...hell, I don’t even know what to call it. Abuse?” I felt confused and defeated. “Torture? Fucking cruelty?”

  “Yes, I know the end results the lesson provides. But honey, it’s not something I can fix or figure out for you. I don’t hold the answer. It’s something you have to work out on your own. Nobody can do this for you. If we could, trust me, Drake would be the first to give you the road map. I’ve never seen him so torn up. He loves you. He loves you with all his heart.”

  “I know. And I feel so guilty for lying to him. But worse, I feel guilty for failing him.”

  “Stop feeling guilty. Do something to fix it.”

  “But I don’t know how.”

  “Sure you do. You’ve just got to figure it out.”

  “And what the hell does Mika have to do with all this? What does he want from me? I can’t do this anymore, Sammie. I can’t go through another night of waiting outside his door, wondering what the hell he expects me to do.”

  “It’s all tied together. It’s all pieces of the same puzzle, sugar.” She smiled softly as we pulled into the driveway. “You’re fighting this tooth and nail, baby. The more you fight it, the more it will elude you. Listen to me—stop fighting it.”

  “Thank you, Sammie. I don’t know why, but I feel better. I’m not so pissed off now.”

  “Get some sleep. You’ll be picked up again tomorrow night at six thirty.”

  “But it’s Sunday. The club’s not open. Besides, I’m not going back.”

  “You are going back, so stop arguing the point. The club will be open just for you.” She smiled softly. “Remember, quit fighting what’s in your heart. Now go on inside and get some sleep.”

  I eased from the truck feeling numb, almost dazed. Climbing the stairs to my room, I crawled into bed. As soon as my eyes closed, Vanessa appeared in her brilliant gossamer light. A fearful worry etched her beautiful face. Frantic. Impatient. Even more demanding than ever before, she forced me down a long corridor of opaque glass walls, then ushered me down a dark foreboding hallway containing thousands of closed doors. She pushed me forward, insisting I “find the key.” I searched my pockets but had no keys, and each knob I attempted to open was securely locked.

  My frustration to find a key was growing urgent, and Vanessa’s eyes were filled with an almost hysterical fear. I frantically tried to open every door, but not a single one would budge. Finally, the very last knob I wrapped my fingers around opened.

  Yanking back the door, I found a solid brick wall glowing in a strange golden ligh
t before me. The bricks seemed to undulate, almost breathe in a stunning pulsating light. It reminded me of a throbbing heartbeat of sorts.

  “What’s behind it?” I asked.

  “You have to see.”

  “But how do I get in?”

  “You have to go through it.”

  “I can’t. It’s brick.”

  “Then knock it down, silly.” A smile filled with relief spread across her lips, then she kissed my cheek and vanished in a silvery flash.

  Nervously placing my hands on the wall, I expected it to be solid and sturdy, but was amazed to discover it bowed beneath my fingers. Pushing harder, two bricks popped out, landing on the other side. The light emanating through the opening was spectacular. Bright. Soothing. Alluring. I had to see more. Methodically, I began pushing upon the bricks, giggling in childish glee as they fell away. Beyond the opening, the shimmering golden light beckoned me, calling to some hidden force clawing inside my soul. I didn’t know why, but I knew there was something of importance on the other side. A gift, a treasure of infinite value, awaited me if I could just get through the damn wall.

  Like a demon possessed, I threw myself against the bricks, clawing, slapping, and punching, determined to break through. And when I finally did, I stood frozen in shock at what lay before me.

  Kneeling on the ground, wrists crossed behind my back and engulfed by the warm pulsating light, was me. My skin glowed as prisms danced over my skin. I looked beautiful.

  Serene.

  Content.

  At peace.

  From the other side of the room, Mika appeared. A broad smile adorned his sensual lips as he looked at me staring at my own image in astonishment. He turned his attention to the other me, the one kneeling in the center of the room. His erotic amber eyes instantly filled with pride, with love.

  “Stunning, isn’t she?” he asked, looking back at me and capturing my attention with his hypnotic gaze. Extending his hand in offering, he waited.

  When I placed my fingers in his wide palm, the golden light exploded in a blinding white flash. I could feel his power and control sluice through my veins like liquid silver as I was coalesced in a tranquil serenity I’d never felt before.

  “I’m so glad you’ve found your way, pet. I knew you could do it. I’m so very proud of you. Are you ready to join her? She’s been waiting for you for a very long time.”

  As tears streamed down my face, I nodded. “Yes”.

  ~*~

  Opening my eyes, I thought I was still dreaming. Bright light filtered into my room as I sat upright in bed. The dream! It was the answer. Stop fighting it. You’ve been fighting it tooth and nail. Sammie’s words echoed in my head, and Drake’s floated right behind. Remember who you are, girl.

  All the training, the knowledge imparted over the years, held a deeper meaning than ever before. I’d been given the ultimate test and had learned the ultimate lesson. Of course it was different for everyone, just like Sammie said. The meaning for this glorious lifestyle was as unique as the individual living it.

  I knew what I had to do. It was so simple, yet I had been pushing it away, fighting it tooth and nail. I’d been trying to purge it, force it from inside me, when it had been there all along just waiting for me to open my mind and...my heart.

  I’d been so insistent on trying to mold my submission to what I thought it should be, and when it wouldn’t conform to my own preconceived notion, I’d tried to exorcise it from my being. But the harder I tried to banish it, the more miserable I became.

  I was a submissive.

  It was in my blood, my heart, and my soul. Trying to deny the fundamental core of my being was like trying to amputate the very arteries sustaining my life. I couldn’t change who I was any more than I could pluck a cloud from the sky. It was in every fiber of my being.

  At six thirty that night, I was dressed and waiting. A calmness I’d never experienced had settled over me. The knock at the door no longer filled me with trepidation. Instead, it was a sound of comfort. Sammie had once again come for me, and this time, I was ready.

  Lowering my head as I knelt upon the floor, I called for her to come in.

  “Julianna?” Drake asked in a startled tone.

  Snapping my head up, amazed to hear the sound of his voice, I issued a look of penance. “Daddy Drake, Sir?” Feeling a monstrous wave of guilt crash over me, I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck, kiss his warm cheek, and beg his forgiveness. But I willed myself to remain in my submissive posture.

  “Are you ready girl?” he asked brusquely.

  “Yes, Sir. I am.”

  “Rise. Let’s go.”

  A shiver rippled down my spine at the sound of his familiar, commanding tone. When I stood, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

  “You’ve figured out the lesson, haven’t you girl? You’ve finally recognized who you are.”

  “Yes, Sir. Without a doubt.” I nodded with conviction. He damn near squeezed the stuffing out of me as he hugged me tighter and then kissed the top of my head.

  “Thank, God,” he murmured under his breath.

  Seated next to Drake in his car, I could feel his intermittent gaze upon me.

  “What are you feeling, girl?”

  “Extremely sorry for the way I’ve treated you over the past few weeks.”

  “We’ll discuss that later, pet. What else are you feeling?”

  “Centered. Calm. Complete.” A slight smile curled on my lips.

  “You make me proud.”

  “Daddy, I’m so sorry that I lied to you. You deserved more respect. I should have never treated you the way I did. I’m so damn sorry.”

  “I accept your apology, Emerald. I know the past few weeks have been extremely difficult. I know that I own a part of the responsibility for what you’ve been through. There will be no repercussions for your actions. I should have been a better protector for you. I’m just happy, no, I’m thrilled, that you have completed the circle and that you are whole.”

  “I feel whole, Daddy. I feel small and...” I sighed trying to find the right words. “I can’t describe it, Sir.”

  “You don’t need to. I understand. I can finally see it reflecting in your eyes.” He smiled, beaming with pride.

  We pulled into the nearly vacant parking lot. Drake punched in the code to the back door.

  “You know where to go, and I think this time, you know what to do.”

  “Yes, Sir. I do.” I nodded and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Moses.”

  Looking deep into my eyes, he smiled. “I love you too, Julianna.”

  I walked up the stairs and with a gentle knock, I waited. James’s warm smile greeted me and then like before, he left me alone. Glancing up at the camera, this time filled with hope, I inhaled a deep breath and then lowered my head. I gracefully kneeled on the floor before the scrolled door, the same door I’d screamed at, pounded at, and cried at the past two nights. As I cast my eyes to the floor, I crossed my wrists behind my back.

  Closing my eyes, I waited, praying the beautiful Dominant behind the door could sense what was in my heart. I hoped he would find me worthy to open the door and allow me to give my power to him, to give it to him freely, without the tiniest reservation.

  Before anxiety had a chance to decimate me, my heart leapt to my throat as I heard the door open. I didn’t move, didn’t raise my head, didn’t utter a sound. I remained as still as a statue. Hope took flight and soared.

  “Thank you for coming back, girl.” Mika’s deep buttery voice was sweet music to my ears. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed his erotic timbre. “Rise and enter.”

  Keeping my eyes cast downward, I rose to my feet and followed him into the massive office. I watched with my peripheral vision as he sat down in a leather winged back chair. I once again gracefully knelt, only this time I yielded before his feet and not at his door.

  “Look at me, Julianna.”

  I raised my eyes and feasted upon him. My heart thunder
ed in my chest and rang in my ears as I tried not to whimper. Looking at him, I wanted him so badly I ached.

  Mika was as incredibly gorgeous as before, but something was different. He looked fatigued. While his eyes were still mesmerizingly erotic, there was an untold shadow lurking within, like a man heavy with worries.

  “I’ve been waiting to apologize to you, girl. The last time you saw me, I was...I was not myself. I took something that did not belong to me. I took you.” He paused for a moment as if gathering his thoughts. “I need to tell you something, but I’m not quite sure how to explain it all, so I’ll start at the beginning. My parents lived this lifestyle to the fullest. I was raised in the beauty of a Master/slave household. My mother submitted with a grace and beauty I’ve come to appreciate now more than ever. I was taught that everything she did, every scrape she kissed, every meal she prepared, every chore, every word of praise or chiding scold, was a gift, a precious gift she bestowed upon me and my father. We were to cherish and treasure that gift. She was the light of our lives, my father’s and mine. She was our angel, a blessing that taught me unconditional love and how to respect all aspects of life. Cancer took her from us ten years ago. It felt like a part of me had died. And sadly, part of my father did die.”

  Mika paused, and I could feel the depth of his pain reflected in his voice as he relived the death of his mother. I wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but I held my posture and my tongue.

  “Dad raised me with the principle that the slave we claim will be bound to our hearts and souls for all eternity. It’s a bond stronger than marriage. There is only one in the lifetime of a Master.”

  My breath froze in my lungs as the meaning of his words crashed down on me like a ton of bricks. He could only have one sub his entire life? How damn unfair was that? Who the hell came up with that outlandish rule? I finally figured myself out, was ready to give him every ounce of my submission, and he couldn’t take it? Was this some kind of sick joke?

  “I realize it’s quite an archaic concept compared to what transpires in the BDSM community these days. Dominants claim and release submissives like they change their clothes. I’ve never understood that practice, but I don’t judge others for the way they find fulfillment. I can only live my life based on my own beliefs.”